Saturday, July 6, 2013

Mommy Meltdown

I just experienced what any mom dreaded the most. I had a mommy meltdown.

My son wasn't feeling very well and developed a fever last Sunday. And then a blanket of symptoms developed like on and off rash and mouth sores. I thought I could still manage him at home since his fever only lasted 2 days. I was wrong. We consulted his pediatrician and mouth sores were to blame. His doctor explained that residue from his asthma inhaler stays in his mouth and this causes him to develop mouth sores that I'm sure hurt as hell. He prescribed Daktarin. He also advised to give him water every after inhaler shots to clear the deposits away. I wonder when will he stop these inhalers.

I've had my share of sleepless nights every time Freedom gets sick. But this episode was the worst of all. Since we're officially in toddlerville, he's more difficult to manage because he can now express his frustrations more clearly.

He only wants mummy! No one but mummy! He cries and cries and cries and cries. When I'm not looking at him, he cries. When I try to carry him to comfort him, he cries. When I put him down, he cries. When I try to give him a bottle, he cries. I tried my best to lull him to sleep through dancing, standing, swaying, singing, tapping; he will sleep but the moment I try to sit down, he cries! Whatever I do, he cries and cries and cries! Clearly, I’m doing something wrong! Now, where could I buy a Red Bull I.V. drip?

He will jolt his whole body as an expression of his frustration and my 120-pound body couldn't take this very well. I have aches all over my body. It felt like my body will split in half down my waist. Out of frustration, I thought to myself, “If I could just shove him back to my vagina, I will!”

I tried to talk him out of it, it didn't work. I tried to tell him mom is doing everything she can in a firm voice, it didn't work. I got frustrated. I got tired. I got angry. The last thing I thought during that time was to put him down and run away as fast as I could.

The next thing I knew, I raised my voice saying, "I don't know what to do with you anymore." I put him on bed and walked out of the room. His tatay and nanny are still in the room so I know he's safe. I can still hear him cry for me. I sat outside with my hands burying my face. I couldn't take it anymore. I was there for about a minute or two when his tatay carried him over to me 'cause he was still crying.

I took him then. I hugged him. I kissed him. I said sorry. I hugged him again, tighter this time. He stopped crying. I lulled him to sleep, singing to him.

I felt so regretful. I was mad at myself. I felt inadequate as a mom. I don't know why I didn't handle it well. I just snapped. Maybe it was my lack of sleep. Maybe I was really tired. But it happened and I feel just awful. The next morning, I still couldn't move on. How could I do this to my child? How could I lose patience with him?

After two more days, my son felt better. He was already up and about, smiling, giggling and even hopping! In other words, he's back to his normal self. The little monster in him has gone to Deviland! The good news is he still loves mommy to bits despite of everything that happened. I tend to overkiss my child but after what happened, I was like over overkissed him!

It dawned to me then that my child has already moved on. When he’s moved on, I might as well move on. The experience was unpleasant and awful. I hate myself forever to have done what I did. I didn't want any mom experience the same. I blame myself for what happened but I can only learn from this experience in order to be a better mom. I still have a long way to go. I am learning every day.

I don't know if I will ever lose my cool again with my son but I hope not, please not anymore. Through this ordeal, I will make sure I'll remain as calm as possible despite lack of sleep and tiredness. I’d make sure I know where to get that Red Bull I.V. drip. A tantrum will not get away with a negative reaction from me. I should know better how to handle tantrums in the future especially when my child is just throwing one because he doesn't feel well.

We all strive to be better in anything we do. For me, being a better mom is what I desire more than being a better employee or any role I take on. With all these realizations and promises to do better the next time, I still feel inadequate. I still feel awful. I was inadequate as a mom. I wasn't a good mom.

That was a bad day for me. But that was only one day. I will move on. I promise that most days, I will be an adequate mother. I will be a good mother. I will be a better mother.

I hope I'll learn not to be too hard on myself though. I am, after all, just human. I make mistakes. I get angry. I get frustrated. I get tired. I cry. I lose patience. I shut down.

On the other hand, being human also means I am capable of forgiving; especially myself. Being human means I can move on. I can let go. I can share. I can give. I can laugh. I can smile. I can love. I can hope. I can dream. I can make a difference.

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